How I Cope With Depression

When I was 13 I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, which completely flipped my life upside down. On the one hand, it was great. I finally knew what was happening to me, and could then go forward and learn how to deal with it. On the other hand it made it more real, and impacted me in a way I didn't think it would. When I got diagnosed, I felt ashamed; I was angry that I ‘let’ myself get so unwell. I really started to despise myself, every time I had a panic attack I would berate myself for hours, shouting in my head that I wasn't good enough, that I was letting everyone down, and that I didn’t deserve the life I was living.

All of this was building up and up. The panic attacks increased, thus I would feel more hatred towards myself. Around this time I was losing friends, it was getting harder for me to maintain a connection with somebody when I just felt so worthless. I wouldn't go out, I basically locked myself away emotionally and physically for 8 months under the guise that I was studying for my GCSE’s (exams at the end of high school in the U.K.).

Nothing was making me happy, I had no energy to do anything, I’d often lock myself in my wardrobe and sit there for hours just staring at the wall. This went on for weeks, it got worse when I finished my exams as I didn’t have an excuse as to why I was so withdrawn, so I lashed out at my family to get them to leave me alone. And I still didn’t realised that I was depressed. I just thought I wasn’t coping well with exam stress, or leaving high school. It was only when I attempted suicide on holiday did I think maybe I need to be looking at my feelings and start getting help.

Obviously my suicide attempt wasn’t successful and this made me feel more angry towards myself, I felt like I was useless at everything, even trying to end my own life. I continued to stay in this state of mind until I started Sixth Form and having to try and pretend to be okay got too much for me, and I broke down and cried for the first time in 8 months. This was a massive relief for me, finally being able to express emotion and admit that something wasn't right. This was when I went to therapy for the first time and was told that I had depression.

Luckily I’ve never gotten as bad as I was back then, but occasionally when I’ve had a bad panic attack, or things aren't going right for me the negative thoughts come clawing into my brain and I’ll be stuck in a depressive rut. For me this includes feeling worthless, feeling not good enough. Often I will sit in silence and stare at nothing for hours at a time, not even realising how much time has passed. I find it difficult to eat, and have very little energy to socialise. I’m tired but can’t sleep, I once spent an entire night just staring at my ceiling, I didn't realise that I'd not slept until my alarm went of in the morning.

I hate feeling like this, the person I turn into when I'm depressed isn't someone that I really like so I try to pull myself out of it as soon as possible.

My depression triggers itself when I'm feeling low, or not good enough. So to keep my mood up and to stay positive, I do something called mirror work every morning, this is standing in front of a mirror, looking at yourself dead in the eyes, and repeating positive affirmations. This was one of the first stages of my therapy. My therapist explained to me I needed to build a strong foundation of love towards myself, to help when moving forward with things like exposure therapy.

I also try and write my feelings down. I have a journal where I write what triggers my panic attacks and how I felt going through them. It helps to get the thoughts out of my head and keeps me calm. It really helped with my anxiety so I started to do it when I was feeling depressed. If I felt low, or I was feeling suicidal I'd list all the things I like about myself, all the things I'd miss if I wasn't alive. Just things that I would regret not being around to see, I'd also then repeat some positive affirmations.

It doesn't always work, sometimes my mind really does just want to stare at the wall for 4 hours, and if that's what happens then that's what happens. The important part to remember, for me, is not to beat myself up about my bad days, they're going to happen, when I ‘let’ anxiety or depression rule my mind for a bit. But as long as I can take the reins and at some point bring myself back to an equilibrium then I'm happy. There are going to be setbacks, there always is with recovery, but it's how you deal with the setbacks. Think of yourself like a hill, if you go down you have to come back up, and if you go up you have to come back down.